This is the question that we get most often. Actually it’s the question that we get pretty much from everyone we see, especially as we get closer to moving. The honest answer for me is no. I’m not excited right now. Two weeks ago when asked this question, I was practically in tears as I fumbled with the words to explain that I am happy that we made the decision to go, but it is hard to actually leave. That week, the honest answer to the above question is “no, I don’t feel excited. I feel anxious, scared, and sad.” Anxious about all the things that need to get done before September 1st, since that is when we need to be out of the apartment. Scared about what I’m going to do in Israel since I have a list of possibilities but nothing certain. Sad because I love my family so much that I know saying “see you soon” (since I refuse to say good-bye) is going to be hard. This sadness of leaving my family is the one that weighs upon me the most. Whenever we mention this adventure to people, many insinuate that we will make aliyah, which by the way is an insinuation that makes me really upset. Why am I so opposed to the thought of moving to the homeland of my people, the people I’m so connected with? That’s easy, I love my family so much and want to be with them. Plus, I’m American to the core. I know that many will take offense that I don’t want to make aliyah, but the truth of the matter is that I’m not at that place yet. Don’t get me wrong. If moshiach shows up tomorrow, I will pack my bags and move to Israel permanently. Of course so will my family, so then it will be an easy move for me. Anyway, until then, my home is America. This Fulbright adventure is just that, an adventure.
So what about this past week. Am I excited? The honest answer is still no, but I have to say that the feelings of anxiety and sadness have dissipated quite a bit and have been replaced with a calm feeling that I much prefer. Where does this come from? This week we started really packing. My mom came up Tuesday and Thursday to help. Her being here made me more productive and made the process less upsetting since I really enjoyed spending the time with her. What can I say, I really love my mom. The only thing that could have improved the situation was if my dad was there too, but he too will soon have the opportunity to help me move all the junk that I have accumulated over the last 5 years. All the time spent with my mom and talking with my dad has made me realize that our love will make it through this journey. They don’t love me any less for our decision; they understand that this is what we have to do. I feel closer to them now then ever before even though in a few months we will be physically farther apart.
So back to the original question. Will I ever be excited? Yes, it’s just that I’m not very good at change or uncertainty, so now is not the time for it. I will most likely be excited about this adventure once we are in Israel, we are settled in to our new apartment, I get to appreciate the awesomeness that is Skype and Facetime, I get to see the Rosensweigs and our other West Hartford friends that are in Israel, and I realize that I have plenty to keep me busy over the next 20 months. Then I will be excited to be on this journey.
In the end, it is always hard to take that first step and this definitely feels like a leap. But as this journey gets started I realize deep down that it is the right thing for us right now and as long as I am on this quest with Adam, it will all be okay, and maybe even exciting.
So that is enough rambling for one day…until my next post 🙂